Six Years Late...
Chomp Chomp! Welcome To The Swamp!
Last weekend, I took my undergrad graduation photos at the University of Florida. Yes, you read that correctly: six years after I graduated. I don’t need commentary on that. Life is long.
Naturally, I wanted this shoot to be perfect, elegant, clean, natural light, timeless. So I did what any Type A with control issues would do: I made a mood board. I made a very precise mood board. It was not just a collection of inspo pics, but a location-specific, time-of-day-adjusted, aesthetically sequenced visual plan. I drove up to Gainesville two full days early. I planned the exact shots I wanted at each location, walked the campus, and created a Google Map with time-stamped pins and estimated walking distances. I love order.
The photographer was scheduled to meet me and my little sister at 6:30 a.m. sharp. By 7 p.m. the night before, I still hadn’t received a confirmation text. So I reached out. He replied, “Yes, we’re good.” Spoiler: we were not.
We met in the parking lot. First red flag? No assistant. In our pre-shoot call, he explicitly said he’d have one. But apparently, both assistants canceled on Thursday… Not once between Thursday and Saturday did he feel the need to mention that? Interesting.
Then came the lighting equipment. I mean this literally: he started hauling out a full-on portable studio. Giant light stands, softboxes-the works. At 6:30 a.m. In the dark. On a college campus. Where the frat boys were still blacked out.
We moved to the first location, “The Arches”, majestic and vaguely Hogwartsian. He began setting up the ridiculous light stands and then pointed his camera and said, “Huh… weird.” Because the display wasn’t showing anything. That’s when I, a civilian with no camera experience, calmly said: “You need to take the lens cap off.”
That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the shoot: I had a vision, and he had a camera he didn’t understand.
Here’s the thing: I’ve modeled professionally. I know what I want. I know what works. Backlighting? Not it. Harsh overheads at sunrise? Also not it. A blinding strobe behind me while the sun is still playing hard to get? Literally… not. it.
I told him this wasn’t the aesthetic I was looking for. He said, “Well, this is my style.” I reminded him it wasn’t his shoot.
At the iconic UF bronze banner? We waited 15 minutes while he installed another unnecessary spotlight, despite the line of graduates forming behind us, all trying to get the same shot before 9 a.m. I told him again: natural light. Camera settings. Use them.
Then as we walked to the next location he pulled out a JBL speaker and started blasting Caribbean music across the Business School courtyard at 8:00 in the morning. I had to tell him that the University of Florida enforces quiet hours until 10 a.m. (They don’t. I made it up. But Jesus.)
He asked my sister,my assistant,to take behind-the-scenes photos for him. Sir, no. That’s why you bring your own people.
By the end, I was exhausted. I had given clear creative direction, provided full references, walked the campus in advance, and he was still out here freestyling.
When we wrapped, he asked if he could film a testimonial of me saying what a great time I had. I responded, and I quote: “Absolutely not. I don’t endorse services like this.”
Two days later, he sent the gallery. Every photo was overexposed, off-center, flat, and bore zero resemblance to the vision I had so clearly spelled out. Thank God my sister took iPhone photos in between scenes,they’re the only reason I didn’t drive into the nearest retention pond.
Naturally, I asked for a refund. Professionally, directly. His response? “Can you clarify how we deviated from the vision?”
Oh my lord. In his defense, he doesn’t know me. And nothing could have prepared him for what happened next.
I channeled my rage through ChatGPT and composed what I still believe to be a bulletproof breakdown of how you can physically be at the right location and still miss the shot entirely. I explained that this was not a matter of posing or styling, but one of technical failure: framing, light, composition. I highlighted that these are the basic fundamentals of photography. I finished my" rant to him by saying “This is a hobby you have yet to hone in on.”
Eventually, after several exchanges (all conducted politely but with executive sharpness), he agreed to refund me. He said he “reflected on the experience.” As he should.
Here’s the takeaway: A camera doesn’t make you a photographer any more than a stove makes you a chef. Vision matters. So does technical skill. The fact that I had to say “remove the lens cap” tells you everything you need to know.
I didn’t get the shoot I wanted. But I did get material. And that’s something, if only a good laugh to share with the internet.
This was a cinematic rant—and I loved every frame. Your precision is art. If you ever need a lens that actually listens, I volunteer as tribute